The Great Rat Adventure!

Fili is the stupidest dog on the planet. Maybe this seems harsh, but I’m fairly certain no one has ever encountered such stupidity in the history of dogity. This specific grievance comes from last night where I had the not-so-unique experience of witnessing her stupidity in action.

Let me set the scene:

I was in the office at my house listening to music and knitting like a good little volunteer when my dog got excited about some ominous noises coming from behind the bookcase I was sitting next too. I tried to convince her that it was just a lizard but I decided to take a look for myself. So, with a stick in hand and my headlampon, Fili and I investigated. I contemplated moving the bookcase but I felt this was too much over a lizard so I peaked behind it and made eye contact with a big fat black rat. These rats are Africa-sized rats; I’ve never seen one smaller than my head. (Just kidding, but for the sake of my dignity let’s pretend it’s enormous because I screamed like a little girl.) Okay, remember back when I said I was carrying a stick? I was actually carrying an old florescent light bulb that was about 4 feet long. Before using the stick I thought I’d try throwing things at the rat, so I took several Newsweeks and hoisted them strategically behind the bookcase. (All Peace Corps Volunteers have a subscription to the International Edition of Newsweek, we always get them late; I think I just received some from April, anyway, with 150 or so of us in country we end up with a lot of copies lying around. What better use than to throw them at rats?) All that happened is that the rat moved away from the magazines to the other side of the bookcase. The bookcase is in a corner so Fili was on one side, very excited because she was right (assuming she thought the movement was a rat, although I’m fairly certain she’d get excited about any noise, ominous or not), and I was on the other side armed with my fluorescent light bulb. We were a foreboding pair.

Let me digress for a minute here and remind you that I have two cats, granted one is still a kitten and the same size as the rat but isn’t it their job to catch things that are kitten-sized and have tails? Given her later stupidity I will say that I was really impressed with Fili for having the stamina and attention span to stay with me and get this rat.

Back to the story, eventually I moved the bookcase around a little and two things came out of it, 1) a rat that ran across the middle of the room between my legs (insert screaming here), 2) unidentified dark object with tail. Could have been a rat, this, we will never know. The rat ran onto my veranda at which point I thought my adventure was through. This is when my grown cat felt it convenient to saunter into the house for some food (cat food, not rat). All of sudden another animal starts to make noise. This wasn’t ominous; it was mating calls or something. It was coming from behind the bookcase in the hallway, I thought it was a bat (this is evidence that I should not be in the field of identifying animals by the ominous or not so ominous sounds they make, if there is such a field). Since Keme Saba (the big cat) was right there, I moved the bookcase and threw her back there instead of the Newsweeks. Turns out cats are more effective at catching small animals than Newsweeks are. It’s hard to be specific with a cat, as I’m certain she doesn’t speak my language, or she chooses to ignore me but I did not get what I wanted from this attack. I heard some crashing noises and a few thuds then silence…then Keme Saba sauntered out with a LIZARD in her mouth. This cat eats like 12 lizards a day, so this wasn’t so impressive. THEN comes the ominous noise again, while my worthless cat is preoccupied with the lizard Fili and I investigate. We (let’s give Fili the benefit of the doubt here) decided that the mating call before was probably the lizard because from the other side of the bookcase I saw a very distinct tail sticking out. RAT TAIL! I tried to shove Fili back there, she seemed like she could catch it, but she wasn’t having it. Then Keme Saba lost her lizard so I threw her in after the rat. The rat scrambled out and back into the office and back behind the bookcase where this whole thing began. Keme Saba immediately lost interest and sauntered away. (Someone please tell me how a cat has a shorter attention span than the stupidest dog in the world?) Again, armed with my fluorescent bulb and Fili I started tormenting the rat. Eventually it raced out behind the oven which I shimmied around until I could see it. Then there was a HUGE explosion! By accident, I shimmied the oven right into the light bulb, which shattered, making an explosion sound. I guess that’s why we don’t let our kids play with them. There wasn’t exactly an explosion but I closed my eyes right when the sound came so it felt like there was one.

Anyway, the rat ran into the next room over where there are only beds and not many places to hide. Fili cornered it and then, here it is, the stupidest act in history, she just stared at it. I have no guts; it turns out, and I had not the ability to kill it with what was left of my light bulb so I just stared at them. It occurred to me that cats are programmed to kill rats, if that rat is right there she can’t get bored, so I went to get Keme Saba and to hide the kitten because I’m SURE the rat could have eaten the kitten. When I put Keme down right in front of the rat SHE stared at it! This is an abomination. I wash my hands of Africa! If their cats can’t even kill rats then it’s doomed. What good are pets if they can’t kill vermin???? You realize that the rat and Fili didn’t move while they waited for me to go get the cat, right? I went to get my guard, finally, who I can at least ask specifically to find and kill the rat. (Fili, the cat and the rat all waited for the next prospective hit man). He caught it after he chased it into my room and then gave it to a friend to kill. After it was dead he brought it back to me. If you could have seen my face at having been handed a dead rat, I’m sure you would have been concerned for my health. He threw the rat away.

Abigail, I hope this story wasn’t too long for you. I thought it was funny and that you should all hear it. Mira, trust me, you still want Fili; rats are easier to catch in America. Plus, I’m fairly certain Fili thought the rat was playing when she was chasing it. I’ll have to train the kitten to catch vermin.